constants and variables

don't you get it? I won't roam if there's a constant, just one, for me to hold onto. you appear to have disappeared, and they are part of my search for that constant, or to be one of the few constants in the different worlds i exist in. until then, i will be lost amongst a sea of variables. Given, certain variables tend more towards being a constant, and i appreciate that dearly even if i give the illusion that i do not. thus i will not give up the search.

you ask of me to call them constants, that i should not see them as variables, that if i make the effort to spend time then they must be of value. you ask of that because? our emotions are our reactions to things. it seems like my presence agitates you, and i can only speculate. there is no confusion between my spending time with constants, and my spending time searching for the constants. it is this distinction that makes the gap between myself and others so visible.

i would very much like to see some of them as constants as well, but there is never enough feelings of safety to do so. you see, it always boils down to ourselves, as ugly as it may seem. I want to call all these people my friends, but i don't feel enough safety to. To call someone a friend is to commit, to unconsciously set expectations, to be disappointed. I set high standards, high barriers, to protect myself from falling. Perhaps you see this as pride and you can't stand it. and perhaps it really is.

such a self-indulgent post. i just needed to get this out. now that the purging is done, it's time to step back and look at it another way. a view more focused on others.